Tag Archive | moods

Pillow Talk….If Only

Jun30

Pillow Talk

This week was my 6 month anniversary since my pulmonary embolism. Yet, I didn’t even realize it until Thursday night….and THEN the party began!!! I saw some old friends I hadn’t seen in quite some time. With being one who talks and socializes a lot, I have only a very few close friends and family that REALLY know me or that I even let in emotionally. That being said, it was still a bit bewildering to me that no one had commented about it. It hadn’t even been remembered, not even my me  until two days after. Surprisingly, it was my Mom that reminded me of it. With my legs propped up as high possible, it was the pillow they were on that was the trigger.  It had been hers. It was with her through nearly all the times she suffered through her blood clots. This pillow is nearly as old as I am and it was one of the first things I acquired after she passed. It was only fitting that I should give it a home with me where it would be used in the fashion it was accustomed to. Now, if only this pillow could talk……..
 
That’s when it happened….the first guest to show up to my party was Mr. Self Pity himself….strutted on in like he owned the place!! ‘Well HELLO BABE….Missed me?’ Every bit of strength I had at that point eroded. I wept…just like the girl I am, I wept!! Thoughts of the last six months flooded my brain. Then the memories of previous experiences when the recovery was so much quicker, easier, and kinder. The set back from the week before with legs swollen the size of tree trunks and them only being about half that size now hadn’t helped matters any either. Mentally, I can leap off tall buildings, fly to the moon and back, but physically, I can barely walk across the room some days, my legs don’t hurt although carrying around the extra weight does tire me out quickly, and I can’t do everything I usually do during the summer. I’m just HERE!! And WHY?!?!?
 
The Agony of “De-Feet”
 
Next to show up was Self Loathing….oh, he’s a sly one…Looking down at my legs, I hated them for failing me. I hate how they look. I hate that I can’t motor them some days and others they are stinging, flaming, itching attachments that I are EXASPERATING!! Just when I think I’ve made it back to ‘normal’, my body reacts and just laughs like I’ve lost my mind..and when it happens, I nearly do. 
 
Then came ANGER!!! I’m angry that I’m not back to the ME I was before all this happened. I’m angry that I have to rely on others at times to do simple things that I should be able to do for myself. I’m angry at having to learn how to deal and cope with yet another facet of this STUPID disease. I’m angry that it’s taken from me. I’M ANGRY!!!!! I’m allowed to be and I have a right to be, but I also know that it’s ok, but to brush myself off and I’ll get back up only to gimp down this path of recovery until I reach the finish line.
 
This weekend though has brought me another perspective on this experience. I have SUPPORT!! Although it may not come in the packages you thought it would, it DOES eventually show up and I’m grateful for it. In the last two months alone, I have had the privilege of meeting some of the most amazing, wonderful, and MIRACULOUS women that it is MY honor to know. Some are bloggers, some are healthcare workers, some are students, but we are ALL survivors!!! If it hadn’t been for long texts, chats, comments, and photos that took place some very long nights, I don’t know that I would have been as open and sharing as I am now. Actually, that’s not true, I KNOW I wouldn’t be. It’s because of them that I took a thought of becoming more open with sharing and support that it grew from a thought, to a blog, and within the last three weeks, both Facebook and Twitter have been graced with my presence. 
 
 
This path I’m on isn’t as easy or rebounding as it’s been previously, but it has brought me friends that understand, commiserate, and get angry with me because they know. It’s brought caregivers a glimpse into our world of being caregivers to them by saying “I’m Fine”, ‘It’s Ok”, and more so that THEY don’t give up parts of themselves for us. Only to be the recipients of our gross temperaments once we do have that frustrated breakdown where everything and everyone is the enemy. It’s also brought me education in the form of our commonality and our differences when it comes to our clotting disorders. We are a very UNIQUE and SPECIFIC group of blood odd-balls all looking for the same thing….a cure….
 
To my friends and my followers…you amaze me every day and bring me such joy with your comments…It’s not MY strength that gets me through,  it’s the strength that YOU give to me.
 
Willoweagle 
 
Shadows of Life